Setting boundaries is primarily for you!
Boundaries are not meant to keep others out, but rather to clarify your limits.
One thing that I have seen whenever the topic of boundaries comes up: the perception that those boundaries are supposed to keep others out. Like a moat or a wall or a hedge – I suppose you get the picture. And regardless of what you might read e.g. on social media: yes, that might well be once you have communicated them or at least start communicating them. (As an aside – for communication on boundaries you might want to have a look HERE and HERE.) And yet, that’s not how we start out with them.
When we start discussing boundaries, it’s not (yet) about what others will do or what they understand or even what you feel comfortable communicating. The first step is about you! Me? – you might ask?
Yes, the first step is actually the question of your own personal limit. What is it that you are willing to support – depending on the topic – and where do you draw the line.
Let’s take something “simple” – and yet so powerful in relationships: the toothpaste debate. I can hear you chuckling- and yet we all know of relationships that came to a crisis about this. Let’s assume for the sake of this blog post that while you like to leave the sink net and tidy, your partner does not - where do you draw the line: The open toothpaste tube, the toothpaste remains in the sink? It is about what you are willing to tolerate, and also about your capabilities to do so, realistically speaking. It may well be that you are willing to overlook the whole mess, and realistically you physically recoil from the mess while you can overlook the open tube with no further spoils.
That would be your line in the sand then, your limit.
This limit then is the starting point both for boundaries and for a conversation about boundaries. Let’s take the example further.
It’s quite possible that the other person doesn’t understand you. That’s not necessarily malicious intent. It is quite possible that they cannot comprehend the issue because presumably their threshold is higher (and yes, it’s also quite possible that this is weaponised incompetence on their part, but let’s leave that aside for the time being.)
Communicating your boundary (Like “please clean the sink after you’re done”) will likely entail a why: “I can't stand the look of the sink, to me it's disgusting”. Here’s the thing: it is important to make that communicaton personal, as in not a general statement. General statements can likely lead to more discussion (well, no, the sink is not disgusting, it’s only you who say so, etc. etc. Again, not necessarily malicious intent, but nonetheless railroading the conversation.)
Now, we do find ourselves at another turning point of your boundary, because we haven’t determined another limit yet: What are you willing to do to ensure your limit being kept? Are you willing to take over cleaning of the sink every day, and what do you think would be fair in exchange? What else do you need? What happens when you clean the sink in the morning and then you come back in the evening, and it’s dirty again? I won’t go into more details, but I hope you can see that the process of determining your boundaries can be quite detail-oriented.
And it’s best to be determined with someone who is not affected by your boundary. Why you’re asking? The discussion of boundaries will go more smoothly if you’re at least clear on your limits and the other person doesn’t feel that on top of having to respect your boundaries, they also have to help you sorting out your thoughts. It’s perfectly fine, and probably necessary to refine them together, though.
Ideally, the sequence would be:
You realise that something bothers you
You determine the boundary topic
You explore your own limits
You conclude your own limits and boundary
You enter a conversation regarding said boundary.
Hope this is helpful! If you need support – feel free to book a vibe check.
Here’s more on boundaries
One thing that I have seen whenever the topic of boundaries comes up: the perception that those boundaries are supposed to keep others out. . And regardless of what you might read e.g. on social media: yes, that might well be once you have communicated them or at least start communicating them. And yet, that’s not how we start out with them.